Low, disturbed, deep down, yet apparently perfect and happy. I am confused about what I really feel.
I feel the need to express, to say so much, but I do not have listeners, I feel that those who cared, those who listened, have lost interest. The performance is no longer that grand, the expressions , no longer that clear and provoking....
Ambition is a good thing, the popular belief.. The human emotion, which pushes it, pulls it through, which instills a ruthlessness , necessary for success, yet its the same ambition, which keeps me heartbroken, which mocks me, pricks me, eats into my self confidence, because every achievement, seems shallow, every initiative, weak.
Its a passing phase, a phase where, every by stander, is a raging crowd, every friend a demanding proposition and every step , an upward incline....Do I still believe in victory, yes I do, do I believe in redemption, yes I do... Do I believe in myself... Much more than I ever did... Yet its gloomy, around....
To be honest, the reasons are well defined, the problem is, I never thought, I could be touched so deep. A couple of months, has left me drained, emotionally and physically, a single event has weakened me, its sad to say, that what would give me the greatest strength, took away my breath and am yet to catch it. Do I feel betrayed , may be,but the very next moment I realise that there were too many variables, out of them all,only a couple let me down,which I was particularly of fond of and that proved to me my undoing....
Somebody had warned me, that it would be the most difficult step to take, I guess it was, couple of years of love and toil, is difficult to let go, difficult to forget....
You know what, I am not complaining, but I am scared, I might just end up. So let me sum up.
This is an effort to say, I am sad and an equal effort to convince myself am not, in the process,honest, yet careful, not to remind myself of the impending outburst, which is needed to make me feel lighter.
This was vague, but I wanted to write something,I feel amazed at the difficulty I have at writing , being honest, expressing these days. In my effort to veil the emotions , I have drawn curtains to heavy........................
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